prophetia

To everyone celebrating Christmas today, Happy Christmas!

One of the cool (and maybe difficult) things about being an adult around Christmastime is that you don't feel the same magical anticipation that you did as a child. I remember that Christmas for my young self was a constant joy filled with unchanging traditions, familiar anticipation, and a reliable source of magic.  As you grow up, each Christmas becomes more distinct. You amend some traditions, anticipation gives way to long shopping lists and party preparations, and you have to find magic in different things each year.  

I sat in church a few weeks ago, thinking about what Christmas was really about. Like, I know it's about the birth of Christ, and by association his life and mission of salvation. I've been taught that since before I was born. But we celebrate the suffering and resurrection of Christ at Easter, too. I wondered if Christmas is really a repetition of that (I mean, it's a pretty big deal so celebrating it twice is probably fine), or if there's something unique about Christmas by virtue of observing His birth.

Among the many special things that people celebrate specifically at Christmas and because of the Christmas story, I found a new insight that I hadn't really focused on before.  A lot of the traditional Christmas story focuses on various people receiving prophecy.  Mary is visited by an angel to inform her of her calling to be the mother of Christ. Joseph receives heavenly witness and direction concerning his roles in the upcoming events. Wise men from distant lands knew of signs that would accompany the birth of a new King. And as the foretold events unfolded, angels appeared to shepherds, delivering the news and telling them where to go and how to recognize the Christ child.

In the Book of Mormon, people inhabiting the American continents during the time of Christ's birth looked forward to signs of his birth, as they had been prophesied by ministers in those lands. The signs came as witness that Christ had come into the world, and in earnest that the other prophesies concerning the Savior would likewise be fulfilled.

Christ's birth is an event that was originally celebrated as the fulfilling of God's promises and prophecies.  And His birth came as a touchstone sign that the other prophecies were indeed true--that God would send a Savior to overcome death and hell, and that Christ would accomplish the divine task of mercy and salvation. This had not yet happened, yet the faith that it would come to pass is what made that Christmas night a special celebration for those who gathered in the stable-temple.

So this year, I celebrated Christmas as the pivot point of prophecy, and as our ability to rely on God to fulfill His promises. It was a new insight to me, and to the role that prophecy and faith plays in my own life and holiday observance. And it brought a new sparkle to Christmas for me.

frux

I am a normal eater. This past week was vegetarian week at my school. I was actually fairly surprised at the amount of support and involvement that it got. Many people pledged to eat vegetarian for the week, the campus food services provided several non-meat options, and there were lots of educational events going on.

When I was younger, I was mostly exposed to the idea of vegetarianism when we would go to the occasional luncheon that would feature a "vegetarian option".  Most of the food choices I had been exposed to that point in my life were things like peanut allergies, and so I lumped vegetarianism into "they have to get special food because they can't eat normal food" and actually considered it to be something along the lines of a special need for food.

Despite this, I often thought that the vegetarian option looked pretty tasty. They usually had a sandwich heaped with avocado, sprouts, tomato, cucumber, olives, and something nice like provolone cheese; compared to the standard issue of cold cuts, american 'cheese', and lettuce and tomato if you're lucky... I was a kid who loved all sorts of foods and flavors, and I knew who was getting the better deal here. I just felt bad taking the vegetarian meal when I didn't need it because I wasn't a vegetarian. There were a limited number of those tasty veggie options, and since I was able to eat meat, I should leave those for people with the condition called "vegetarianism" to have because otherwise they couldn't eat.

I learned that people become vegetarians for a number of reasons. The first vegetarians I ever met were people who were primarily concerned about animal cruelty.  Other people choose it for health reasons, and recently I've learned a lot about the environmental impacts of going meatless.  Some of these seemed quite reasonable to me, but I didn't want to become a vegetarian over it.

Turns out you learn a lot of things by going to college. Some of them are motivated by study, and some of them are motivated by the lifestyle so happily referred to as "the starving college student". Over the course of a few semesters, I went from buying meat every time I shopped to relying mostly on turkey for my sandwiches and the occasional sausage, to almost never buying meat. I realized that there are tons of other protein sources that are much cheaper and easier to store and prepare, so meat became less and less frequent in my diet.

I then spent a summer living in California. California is a place where the United States grows most of its food, and in California you can grow food any day of the year. I was quickly surrounded by more fresh fruits and vegetables than I knew what to do with--and more than I had even known existed.

Not only is eggplant a thing, but it comes in all shapes and sizes...and colors!
I ate white eggplant all the time and yum.
Other colored foods of note: golden raspberries, white asparagus, yellow mushrooms, and red bananas...

Who even needs meat when you don't even have time to try all the vegetables? When you can get the ripest fruit so easily? And it makes meat look terribly expensive...I spent a dollar and got almost a gallon of blueberries.  That summer was probably some of the best eating of my life.

This was pretty much my face.
Happy blueberry face.

I guess I've been slowly adjusting to eating less and less meat.  I still eat it when I go out or when other people have prepared the meal, but I've gone from eating meat a few times a day to a few times a week. And I don't feel any guilt at all about taking the tasty vegetarian options for myself. :)

Turns out, you don't have to be a vegetarian to eat meatless.
You don't even have to call yourself a vegetarian, pescatarian, flexitarian, herbivore, animal rights activist, or carbon-reducing hippie to eat vegetarian meals and love it.

My main reason for being proud with how my diet has ended up is because of the environment. You can learn a lot about the environmental impact of the food you eat, and how to reduce the carbon footprint of your food.  The most important thing to me is that you don't have to be a vegetarian to make smarter food choices. You don't even have to make a commitment. Switching a hamburger meal for a meatless meal just once will save about 6.5 pounds of carbon emissions. It's really that easy to do something better for the environment.

So by many standards, I could probably fit in with the vegetarians, pescatarians, and flexitarians.  It would be a simple change from where I am now, really. But I think even if I intentionally change my diet to be something like that, I'll still just call myself normal. I've realized that eating a vegetarian meal doesn't mean that I have special food needs, or that I'm too concerned about things like animal rights, health, or the environment. It really just means that I'm aware of what my food choices mean. And I've learned that it's a lot easier than it seemed to make intentional choices and cut back so much on meat. I didn't have to do anything extravagant or difficult to eat the way I wanted...I just eat normally.

tacos

The internet claims it's National Taco Day.



Well, thanks, internet.  Turns out, now that we have this powerful tool so well-suited to spreading both important and useless information, I am becoming aware of all sorts of "holidays" that I never really knew existed.
And as far as I can tell...their existence is questionable at best.

A quick search of "National Taco Day History" returns many enthusiastic articles that promise to reveal the best Taco Tuesday deals, laud the creativity of various Americanizations of the taco, and show the best recipes for the most authentic tacos your gringo hands can muster. But in looking for an actual reason as to why today is the day for us to come together as a nation and celebrate what is most important, I have no explanation.

So as far as I can tell, you can choose pretty much anything you find deserving of a day of honor, and if you put "National" in front of it, then it seems official enough for the internet to go all out in observing the occasion.  I would hardly call any of these a 'holiday', but I don't really know what better to call them. Here are a few more national days:

• National Barbecued Spareribs Day (Observed July 4th. Don't let any other holidays overshadow this one!)
• National Pumpkin Pie Day (Observed on December 25th, in case you needed an excuse to eat pumpkin pie that day.)
• National Bicarbonate of Soda Day (That exact title! Observed December 30th---the same day as National Bacon Day.)
• National Create a Vacuum Day (Observed February 4th. Put this one one your calendars!)

Basically I'm not sure if I want to denounce the frivolity of everyone treating these things like real holidays and thereby devaluing those holidays that we have for actual reasons...or if I want to join in on the awe and gratitude that celebrating mundane things can bring.  It's a difficult dilemma for me.

But for today, tacos.

olympia

I am a person who likes watching sports.  So for the next two weeks or so, I'll be following the world's biggest sports ordeal within four years.  But as much as I love the athleticism and world-class competition, for me the Olympics are about far more than sports.

There has been a lot of talk and concern over the Rio 2016 games as the whole world watches and expects Brazil to pull off something amazing in the wake of major political and health disasters in their country.  These games might not be the best the world has ever seen, but I really hope for some sort of Universal Blessing to grace the games with growth and success because the Olympics are important.

So, as the opening ceremonies give Brazil the official "Ready Or Not, Here We Come", I hold my breath that everything will go smoothly, pray for the success of the games and the athletes, and then relax and trust that everything will be beautiful.

That for 18 days, a country can stop worrying about disease and corruption and poverty and just relax and celebrate their culture and the wonderful things about being them.  The world's eyes will finally be on them to celebrate rather than criticize, and it will mark the beginning of a short taste of peace on earth.

The Olympics is a unique setting when we watch people from across the world engage in the highest level of competition, and we rejoice no matter who wins.  We are inspired by the dedication of the athletes and all those who support them, regardless of their race, religion, living choices, the language they speak, and even if we aren't on good terms with their country.  For a brief moment, we are able to see past all that and recognize the effort and sacrifice involved. We rejoice with the champions and sympathize with those who left disappointed.  We see stories and emotions. We see families supporting their athletes and competitors congratulating and befriending each other. We see these people as people, not just the countries they represent.

The Olympics is a special place where vibrant patriotism lifts us up and unites us in better ways than I think it does at other times.  Everybody hopes for the success of their country's athletes and teams. Everybody shows their colors shamelessly.  Nobody is afraid to cheer loudly and go crazy over their team, and nobody criticizes anybody else for any of it.  Instead of people asking each other, "Why do you support that country?  This one is much better," or arguing over which team is most right or has the best workout regimens, they just accept people's choices.  It's a small opportunity for everyone to stop worrying about being right and just take time to be happy.

The Olympics empowers the world and inspires us to improve ourselves and reach our dreams. In the non-utopic world outside of the Olympics, competition often results in people tearing each other down to try to get ahead.  But the virtues of competition come alive as athletes dedicate themselves to becoming faster, getting stronger, jumping higher, and pushing the limits of what has been done before. The focus is on achievement and pushing to become the best, and then to even improve on that. Competition is driven by the desire to improve and see everyone accomplish great things.  Even though there is only one winner, the spirit of healthy competition at the Games celebrates everyone's accomplishments.

There are a special few things that unite the world across the borders that we spend so much of the rest of our time defining and defending.  One of them is the Olympic Games.

civitas

For the past couple months, I have been living in one of the most diverse places on earth: a city.  Of course, some cities are more diverse than others, but I think it a general trend that cities are more diverse than towns or suburbs, especially in "melting pot" places like the US.

This new level of diversity has its ups and downs. I'd like to comment on a few that I have noticed so far.

Behold, an enormous pile of Ethiopian foods.

Benefit: There is a delicious variety of culinary options. I've gotten to eat plenty of foods for the first time, like Ethiopian and Canadian food.  I can easily find food choices from anywhere in the world, either at a restaurant or at a grocery store.  I also have a lot of fun finding a variety of fruits and treats that I don't often find in the suburbs.  Sometimes I go to the store and pick up something that I had no idea even existed (let alone knowing what it actually is) and go home to figure out how to cook it.  Makes for interesting dinners. x) The opportunities to try new things are apparently infinite.

Difficulty: I can't communicate with everyone.  A woman at the store asked me for help the other day in very broken English; mostly pantomime. I think I know what she needed, and I tried to help answer her question.  Because I speak English and Spanish, I'm pretty accustomed to having a way to talk with almost everyone.  I asked if she spoke Spanish and she shook her head and said "Iran".
I thought I would get so much Spanish practice living in a more diverse area, but so far I've instead found more opportunities to speak Hindi, Persian, Tagalog, Mandarin, Korean, Thai, and even German. Unfortunately, I don't know an appreciable amount of any of these languages.

Benefit: There is so much to do here. There are plenty of interesting touristy things that I want to do (but there are too many to do all of them) and then cool places to go that are just part of the normal life. There are tons of big, unique, exciting things to see and do, and I still want to have time to explore the neighborhoods to see the colorful houses and the way people decorate their gardens. I'm caught between trying to experience this place as a tourist and a local! I'm trying to get a good feel of the area, which includes everything from museums and historic sites to hikes and outdoor activities, to amusement parks, to finding a local soccer league, a good jogging route, and the best panadería. I think I'm doing a pretty good job, but there is just so much to explore.

Difficulty: Regardless of the local crime statistics, there is less public trust in cities. If you don't lock your car or home, you are insane. This is generally good practice in the first place, but here, locking the car isn't enough. The standard protocol for leaving the car involves making sure there are no bag-looking or valuable-looking or interesting-looking things in sight at all. If you are leaving anything in your car, move it to the trunk. Then park in a well-lit area. And don't walk around too late at night.
I haven't had any problems with this so far, but I do like being a community where you aren't paranoid about leaving your car for too long and feel like you can trust the universe a little bit more.

Benefit: I'm exposed to a lot of new ideas and perspectives.  Some views that I didn't really understand or appreciate before make more sense as I meet people who hold them and see situations that I hadn't considered before.  In addition to social ideas like why a policy is actually beneficial or getting to know the kinds of people behind a movement, I'm also exposed to all kinds of other ideas: new music, new applications or needs for technology, new languages, new slang, history that I never knew, artwork that I'd never seen, science I hadn't been around before (like why the weather here is the way that it is). I get a better perspective on tons of things and can keep the ideas that I need or like and have a better understanding of ideas that I don't.

Difficulty:  My own ideas get challenged more often.  This isn't inherently a bad thing (indeed, I think it's an important process for everyone to experience as our ideas and values develop) but I'm still testing the waters and learning how to have constructive conversations with people who disagree with me. By simple virtue of living with more people around me, I have to interact with people more often. I've had many exchanges where people are interested and respectful, and I've had some exchanges where that isn't the case.  Being around people who don't understand or challenge my ideas and values gives me more opportunity to consider why I hold those ideas and values in the first place. Sometimes it changes what I think about something, and sometimes it reaffirms it.  These interactions also give me better insight to how to ask about or challenge someone else's ideas respectfully, since I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of an unfriendly challenge.


Overall, one of the biggest things I have noticed from my time living in a city is that it teaches you to learn how to live with other people.  I had figured I was already pretty knowledgeable in this, since I come from a big family and I've been to college and had the gamut of experiences with roommates and neighbors.  I've spent a lot of time living with other people around me. But there's a lot to learn when you go somewhere where there are suddenly more people around you...more weird people, more grumpy people, more kind people, more people whom you can help, more busy people, more noisy people, more happy people, more friendly people...  You're no longer in situations where maybe most of the people had similar values or similar goals as yours, and working together or understanding each other wasn't that hard. But suddenly that isn't there anymore, and you still need to work together to create a good community.

I think one of the big ideas that we really need to grasp for the future is figuring out what kinds of laws and resources and schools and responsibilities and rights and technology we will need so that we can learn to live with more and more people, even people who aren't necessarily like us. In an increasingly globalizing world, this is becoming more and more vital. But more than figuring out the tools we will need to make that happen, we need to figure out what kind of people we should be to make that happen. We need to decide how we're going to treat people, even if they disagree with us or don't speak our language well or even if they offend us.  We need to learn how to listen to people and understand their points of view, and recognize that their perspectives are just as valid as our own.  Turns out people are complex enough that we may never have stuff like this completely figured out, but in the meantime we can always open our hearts and minds a little more to move everyone forward together.

rescribo

I have been trying to organize a few ideas for weeks now, to the point that they're moderately publishable.  I mean, this blog isn't anything fancy, but we still have standards.  I end up starting to write about something that has some cool insights to it, and as I write it out, it develops more and more. I start seeing other sides or tributaries to whatever I'm trying to communicate, and then I sidewind my own argument into something different that is also cool and important, but the first thing still needs to be said...and then I have a really long, twisty post on my hands that is a little too convoluted for this format and I have to go all the way back to square one and decide where I even want to go with all this tumult of my own opinions.  I start trying to navigate and edit the run-on post that has erupted forth, and far too often these editing efforts make a less cohesive mess as I take out some tangents and add new ones for context...

So my blog drafts, of which I have too many right now to sort out, look like messes of ideas.  Some paragraphs are written out, followed immediately by another paragraph that is definitely related, but going in a different direction than the first one. I leave that to sort out later, then punch out a quick outline-list of related things that also need to be said, and that give context and buildup to the whole point of starting the post in the first place.  I'm just trying to say this one simple thing, but it has so many contributing factors and implications that I expand it into several themes and so many paragraphs that it overpowers the original idea.

Sometimes I then decide to split the ideas into two related posts.  And then I end up writing about something else entirely.

This is definitely not why I'm writing this post right now.  Except it totally is. X)  Hopefully I get those other ones worked out pretty soon.

Here's what will happen when they do get worked out: I will make decisions about what material to include.  I'll write it out and read through it and add some things, and take some things out.  I'll change words and rearrange a lot of things and end up with a lot of material that just gets deleted.

And then you get to see what actually made the cut.

The stuff that doesn't get posted isn't inherently worse than the stuff that actually does. Sometimes it's really good stuff, but it doesn't quite work out with the direction things are going. A lot of the time it's hard to take those things out. What's crazy though, is how much material is created when I'm trying to create something. How much writing goes on that you never see. How many thoughts are formed just as I'm trying to think through something. And in the end, you get a small sample of everything that has been going on. Hopefully by the time you get it, it's a refined, concise sample that represents the best of what was created.

Turns out this is a totally normal part of the creative process, and you can talk to authors and artists and designers and musicians and philosophers and developers and architects and engineers and carpenters and theoretical mathematicians and physicists and probably even God himself about all of the scrap material they go through before an actual creation comes forth.

Mostly, this is a cool thought.  It's important to recognize that you have to go back to the drawing board all the time when you're trying to make something.  And the more revision and refining you do, the more likely you are to have a better final product.

I'll refrain from any didactic conclusions and just say sorry for the long delay in posts.  They're still getting ready. :)

habitus

It's graduation season: the time of year that we release another round of humans into the 'real world' and hope that they don't break anything too quickly.

I know a few people who are graduating from high school this year, and as easy as it is to be cynical about millenials and the rising generation and this whole charade called "growing up"...well, there are plenty of good kids out there.  And having inexperienced, ambitious people running amok pumped up with "achieve your dreams and change the world" does have its perks.

We could say plenty of things about the rising generation, but perhaps more culturally-persistent is this institution called high school that we continue to insist is very important.

There are a lot of criticisms about high school and its associated curriculum.  It doesn't actually prepare students for the 'real world'.  Its benchmark standards are too low.  It creates opportunities for bullying, over-stressing, depression, and so on.  Its underfunded.  Teachers are too tired or don't care or aren't paid enough.  Yet somehow through all these criticisms, it still remains a cultural highlight in many peoples' lives.  Or at least, it certainly appears that way, with the continued success of high school-centered media, the fact that everyone and their parents keep tomes of dusty yearbooks somewhere and refuse to get rid of them, and our persistent alliance to whatever mascot geography happened to assign to us (go wolves!)

I wasn't highly amused by my own ceremonious graduation. High school was one of the least important achievements to me.  As a fellow student pointed out when we were all assigned to write graduation speeches, all that a high school graduation means is that you have followed the law and gone to school for the majority of your life. Thank you, law-abiding citizens.

I've been in the 'real world' for a few years now, and as it turns out, I've actually had to rely on things that I learned in high school a few times.  Yes, diagramming sentences still hasn't come up.  But I'm getting a new perspective on what it means to be educated, what it means to be prepared for life, and what high school can and should actually offer.

Scene change.

I went to a high school choir concert last week and the director had a few of the graduating seniors share things that they had learned throughout their choir career. Comments and quotes were made such as
"If your name is going to be on it, be proud of it."
"On time is late--be early."
"Always look sharp."
"If you want something, ask [the nicer person] first."
and so on. After several quotes, inside jokes, and explanations, the director asked for a comment about music, and the only thing they said was "learn it".

Back to soliloquy.

The choir was obviously a really good choir and their musical abilities were phenomenal.  They won various awards throughout the year and are consistently among the top choirs in their state. Obviously, they've learned music.  They've become impressive musicians and could probably sight read or count rhythms or blend effortlessly.  But come the end of the year, the lessons that stuck out most to them were more attuned to how to live well.  They were based on the relationship they had built with their classmates and director more than any particular musical principle.  They were habits that their teacher had encouraged them to form in order to be successful.

I think that this is where high school is the most valuable.  It helps us form good habits of personal accountability, preparedness, and work ethic. We learn study skills that we can rely on in college, whether our high school classes gave us a good foundation for the course or not.  We have an opportunity to interact with teachers and learn how to work problems out respectfully. We can be involved in clubs and sports and competitions, to learn to cooperate with others and actually produce something that is entirely ours.

I put a lot of academic effort into high school, and most of the facts and theories I learned in high school have stuck with me far better than a lot of what I've studied in college.  I don't use it all every day, but for the most part, I'm really glad that I know things like calculus and how Mexico's government works and what a Scarlet Letter means.

More than the academic value, however, high school has an incredible value in the formation of habits. High school gives you lots of opportunities to choose who you'll be. You make these choices in the classes you take and the activities you do and the people you be with, but you also choose simple habits. There's the routine stuff like getting to class on time and bringing your books and turning in your homework that turns you into someone who is well-prepared. Then there are habits that the life-changing teachers add to the curriculum.  Either by example, or by directly applying it in class, teachers are able to mentor their students in ways that go much deeper than the periodic table and knowing geography.

I don't remember all of my Spanish vocabulary words, but I had a wonderful example of patience and social grace in that class that has helped me in countless situations.
I barely remember anything from dissecting sharks (except the smell), but that science teacher was an example of creativity, and encouraged everyone to do courageous and exhilarating things...just to make sure we're alive.
I definitely do remember how to do polynomial long-division, but I treasure that algebra class because of the vision of unity that teacher had, and how he balanced having fun and getting things done.
I'm sad that I've forgotten the songs from choir, but I learned how to present myself well, how to help others succeed, and made it a habit to stay focused and make the most of work time.
I haven't used enough psychology to remember it well, but being able to accept other people and their ideas while still maintaining my own values is something that I'll keep using for the rest of my life.
I will probably always need to look up the integration of trig functions, but I appreciate the time my calculus teacher took to talk with our class when there were problems, and to help us work through them.

All the other things you need to know in the 'real world'--filing taxes, changing a tire, making an appointment, buying a house, doing CPR, balancing a budget, washing clothes--you might have to learn from another source.  Thank goodness for mothers and the internet.  But the things that will prepare you most for life are the personal habits that you make before you're actually in the 'real world'.

"We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit."
-Aristotle and friends

to be or not to be

I've been wanting to get around to writing this for way too long now, and I guess the amount of stuff I have to do has finally pushed me to write it.

I have spent a fair amount of thinking--I think perhaps more than most do--about being.  A lot of who we are as individuals seems to be defined by what we do.  We seem to derive a large amount of information from these little facts. I can introduce myself as an engineer, and you will immediately have very different ideas about me than if I were to present myself as a doctor, a photographer, an international travel agent, a nun, a parent, or a clinical parakeet whisperer.  All of these assumptions and how you would then interact with me are defined by so little information as a simplified explanation of what I do.

Of course, in many ways, doing something has a lasting change on how we think and act and see the world.  Our efforts and our experiences can wire our brains and create habits of reacting to the world in certain ways, and for this the simplification of one's occupation can actually be quite informative.  Telling you that I'm an engineer might make you think that I am analytical and precise.  Presenting myself as a writer can give me a more creative flair, while introducing myself as a religious leader might lead you to take me more seriously--or just ignore me entirely.  These occupational identities consistently provide society with a quick judgment on how important they think someone is, what kind of person they might be, and how they plan on interacting with them.

Although there seems to be an incredible amount of importance assigned to this bit of information, it might not be the best drive for decision-making.  These decisions can range from the interactions of an individual with new people, to the expectations that people around them have of them, to the way that they think of themselves.

This system of defining labels for who you are based on what you do has its benefits, but I found a different perspective quite a while ago that gives somewhat of a guide in navigating who to "be" in the future:

"Don't ask kids what they want to be when they grow up, but what problems do they want to solve. This changes the conversation from 'Who do I want to work for?' to 'What do I need to learn to be able to do that?' "

                 -Jaime Casap, Google Global Education Specialist

This problem-solving perspective resonates with me because it really captures the dream of changing the world, at least in some small way.  It also builds the need for the development of life skills rather than just a preparation for an occupation.  And it helps us to look outside of our own problems and see larger systems at work that we can affect in order to do good for ourselves and for others.  That sounds like much more than a career.  It builds on an underlying passion.

One of the most excellent aspects of this approach is that there are many different approaches one can take to solving problems.

From a career-driven perspective, lot of approaches dictate that there is some ideal path to take that will help you become a physician or a journalist or a heliophysicist.  As life usually turns out, though, those paths get interrupted by life, and the fact that people are individuals.  You can ask a lot of people what it took for them to get where they are right now, and it is not uncommon that their story includes an unexpected shift in the path they had put themselves on.  For example, I worked with a nuclear engineer whose undergraduate degree was in history.  Things certainly changed around there.

With a goal of solving problems in mind, it opens up the career path to a broader perspective.  It reverses statements like, "You want to study math? Well, with a math degree, you can become a statistician or an actuary or work with the census or teach or convert to engineering..." to statements like, "You want to solve energy problems?  Well you can do that through research and development or public policy or by starting an energy business... either way, you'll definitely want to understand some chemistry and physics, a bit of math, you'll need to know how to write, and you should understand how to process demographic information..."

There is still a lot of practical value to career paths and having resources like that to help navigate the questions of planning for the future and figuring out what to do.  But with regard to figuring out what to do, I think it holds a lot more promise when we ask ourselves what we want to be involved in and where we want to help, rather than simply what we want to be.

confidimus

I've spent an hour now--
though it was years in my mind--
contemplating,
needing to talk, but
so afraid to open my mouth
and let you in.

I've been running circles through my head,
chasing after something and hoping
it will amount to anything.
But mostly just taking memory walks
through dark corridors I thought I'd abandoned
years ago.

Where is this going?
Straight to the shelf again,
to be dealt with alone--
the same way I always have--
by not dealing with it at all,
and hoping the scars just fade.

But
perhaps we'll dig it up
and talk.

Still, I feel like I'm just
throwing garbage at you,
like I do so often.
Really I just need someone on my side,
who knows what is going on...
Sorry that I'm burdening you.

I hope, though.
That it's not awful.
That you'll give me
some of you to carry in return.
I can't expect you to carry us both
all on your own.

I can't believe it's this hard
to let you in, to let myself out-
but you listen and feel, and it turns out
there was much more of my struggle
already inside you than I
ever would have thought.

So
we dig ourselves up
and talk.

differo [delay]

Welcome again to the realm of procrastination. Don't worry if you're reading this instead of doing homework or some other responsibility you ought to attend to...because that is exactly the circumstance under which it is written!

I'm not sure if I have justified my procrastination on here before, though.  It's definitely been mentioned before, but not necessarily justified...

So why not justify it now?

But first, a brief history of my relationship with procrastination:

The thing about procrastination is that it is just so natural.  It just happens, and I was therefore exposed to it at a very early age.  In fact, it's healthy for young kids to go out and play and not do homework day in and day out.  Back in the gradeschool days, putting homework and projects off in order to live a happy, healthy childhood is hardly seen as the vice of procrastination. Indeed there are many people advocating for more childhood play time like recess and minimizing the amounts of homework that young kids have to do. They promote these things under the guise of better well-being, mental and physical health, social and attention skills, and just general happiness. We should probably take these things more seriously.

Anyway, early on life was filled with petty procrastination that coagulated every now and again into late-night science fair projects and history presentations.  You know, the kind that you helped your parents procrastinate until the night before it's due, even though you've known about it for at least a month.

This foundation gave way to middle school, where procrastination became revered as an important skill.  I boasted my abilities as a self-proclaimed "pro-crastinator" (I did indeed crastinate professionally) and juggled my classes using many late nights and productivity diluted by social media and instant messaging.  It of course only got worse the more I got away with it. Good times.

In high school, I added the skill of more constant sleep deprivation to this aspect of life.  There was also more of a shift in these years as my responsibilities were put off, not in order to play outside or indulge in frivolities, but because of the sheer load of productive things I was requiring of myself.  This included normal responsible things like a ton of classes, as well as more fun activities like soccer, lacrosse, and choir.  I definitely don't regret any of it, but it meant that many nights I wouldn't get home until 9 or 10 pm, and then I could get started on homework.  I quickly learned how to spend nights cycling between naps and homework, how to cram productivity into the wee hours of the mornings, and how to maximize the use of down time traveling or at practices and rehearsals.

Things in college are, of course, much different.  I don't have such a varied load anymore, in terms of my extra-curriculars and all.  I've largely switched out the structured sports and music for an intense class load and involvement in a handful of related clubs.  I'm still in the category of procrastinating not for fun, but out of necessity to get more pressing assignments done first, even when that means putting off another important task.  But developments such as these have introduced a new justification for my procrastinations.

Mostly because my responsibilities are so focused on one aspect of life (engineering homework...and nothing else), my need for constructive breaks -- things like exercise, hobbies, and maybe even the occasional social encounter -- can much more often fall under the category of  'for sanity' rather than 'for fun'.  Not sure if this is an improvement.  It can be hard to do these things regularly, both due to the schedule and the fact that I get anxious sometimes if I'm not actively working on homework.  But it's still something that is important to me, to do as often as possible.

Because of that, when I find myself with a smidgen of free time (read: non-panicked time; time where I have more than I will need to accomplish the tasks that are due immediately), I have an important decision to make: I can either take advantage of this time and use it to get ahead on things so that they won't be so stressful later on, or I can actually do something fun, as if to treat it as actual free time.

Usually the level of my motivation is the deciding factor here.

But when the motivation doesn't automatically tell me what to do, I can justify it with some logical thinking.

I know that things like homework are going to get done.  There is no way that those things will get pushed off indefinitely and just never get done. They have deadlines and consequences imposed by outside forces.  So the question is not if they will get done, but when.

Now, in terms of using time, I could use two hours to my enjoyment through reading or exercise or something of the type, and then spend two hours doing homework.  I could do both of those activities in any order that I want, and at the end of the day, I will have spent two hours on each.  It's a pretty good deal.  So if they both get done, there's really not much importance as to which goes first.

Because I know that the homework will get done but my hobbies or other tasks of secondary priority don't have the same guarantee, it seems perfectly logical to do things like write or meet up with friends or kick a soccer ball around for a while when I know that there will be adequate time to do the homework later.

Mind you, this doesn't happen often, so I feel even more justified in justifying it.

Plus it gives me an opportunity to show myself that I am more than just a homeworking robot engineering student, which is an important feat.

So we give procrastination a bad rap.  It can very easily become a vice and rob you of time and opportunity, but I think that if it is used with control, it can become a tool of sorts to balance priorities and time management and personal well-being.  It is important to spend time productively, and to spend down time wisely, not vapidly.  You can probably judge whether your procrastination is justifiable by whether or not you make any personal gains from whatever you've done instead of working on that long to-do list we all have.

Whether you decide to tackle your tasks head on or procrastinate productively, don't ever stop living the most that you can.

After all, "time you enjoyed wasting is not wasted time." 

-Marthe Troly-Curtin

astutia

Let's talk about a different kind of public education for a moment. Hopefully this is maintained as but a moment...because I can get pretty passionate about the standard of education the public tends to uphold.

But first, a quick exposé on a dangerous substance that can be found virtually everywhere:

This chemical is found in overwhelming quantities in our oceans, is used on all crops, is found in the brains of cancer patients and the lungs of smokers. It is used in all vaccines. It was responsible for the sinking of the Titanic. And the government is allowing for it to be piped directly into your home.

In case you haven't gotten the joke already, dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO) is simply the long way of saying H2O, which is water.  You can educate yourself more about it here.

I find this little hoax amusing, to be honest, mostly because it is harmless.  If people actually get scared enough about all of the dangers of DHMO, it only takes twenty seconds and a google search for them to learn what it actually is.

That's the catch, though...you have to get your information from a reliable source.  And dhmo.org may look authoritative on the subject, but it's not really going to give you scientific answers in a neutral light.

This is obviously an instructive metaphor for things that are of a much less harmless nature.

There will always be some agency or individual out there, especially on the interwebs, spreading information about corrupt politicians or whether a certain substance or practice is harmful.  There are plenty of controversial things in the world, and no better place to blow them out of proportion than the internet.  But the internet can also be a great tool for education. And if more people were willing to educate themselves based on well-executed research rather than getting information through facebook campaigns, well-angled media, and manipulative corporations, I think we would be able to make better societal progress toward appropriate solutions.

Obviously, you can find just about whatever you are looking for on the internet.  Need an article to villainize renewable energy? Not hard to find. And one to praise it as the only solution? Also a simple find.  We need to be able to determine what we can accept to be true.

One of the best ways to sort things out of a scientific nature is to look for peer-reviewed articles.  These can easily be found using the filtered search engine, Google Scholar, which filters results to include only scholarly articles that are peer-reviewed and published by experts in the field.  This means that research was conducted and analyzed using approved scientific methods, and then the procedures, results, and conclusions were reviewed by multiple experts in the field for accuracy and quality before being published.  All of this establishes great scientific authority on the topic.  These articles can be long and very technical, but all of them include an abstract that can usually be viewed free (whereas the actual article may be in a journal that requires a subscription) and that abstract is a simple summary of what is in the article. This can give you a better idea as to what the science behind the topic is actually saying.

Of course, even peer-reviewed scientific articles cannot establish absolute truth alone; one of the quickest discoveries of any scientist is just how much we don't know.  Therefore it is important to also search for scientific articles that might support opposing points of view or related topics.  While this may not resolve the controversy, it can help you know what we do know, what we don't know, and what we are trying to do to figure it out.  It will help you sort out the fact from the fiction from the yet-inconclusive theories surrounding the topic.  And these generally have higher authority than whatever facebook story or infographic started the controversy.

Peer-reviewed articles are not the only reliable source, especially depending on the topic.  There are many websites with significant authority concerning the information they share, including .gov and .edu sites.  These suffixes mean that the web page is published by a governmental organization or an educational institution and generally are required to practice good information techniques and present information in a neutral light.  Websites published by organizations (.org),  commercial entities (.com), and anyone who can buy a domain name (.info) are under no obligations with regard to the quality or type of information they choose to supply.

When it comes to news sources, it can be more difficult to find a reliable, neutral source that will provide the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.  Because of this it is important to do thorough research (especially on social or political issues) and gather as many articles as possible from different sources--liberal, conservative, public, private, even local and international. This will help you know what information is most reliable. The information is more likely to be reliable if it is found in multiple sources, especially sources coming from various angles.  You can also look for primary sources such as interviews with public figures or actual quotes from documents, speeches, and so on.  Having a broad array of news sources can also help you interpret the information better.  Many sources will lead the story into a certain conclusion depending on the views and goals of those presenting as well as their primary audience. This is not inherently a bad thing. Reading reports from various sources can help you gain multiple perspectives and consider the issue in ways you might not normally do so, for example on a local versus global scale.  Having a deeper understanding of the issue and its multiple sides will then help you draw a better conclusion as to what is true and what is the best thing to do.

These practices won't protect you from ever being misled about something, but it will make it much less likely for you to engage in a meaningless argument on the internet where neither party can separate fact from opinion.  It can also help you be a more well-informed and critical reader of the things that you see online and in the news.  Most of all, I hope it helps people to open their minds to new evidence and ideas, to be willing to say they were wrong about something, and to be willing to discuss controversy civilly and move toward a solution and a compromise.

So, next time you find some surprising information on your facebook feed or in the news, please take a quick moment to do some research before sharing, commenting, or otherwise reacting.  You may find out that the terrifying chemical found in all autopsies is really...just water.

extra

As you may suspect, this is a blog entry that I am writing rather than doing my homework.  I am so rebellious.   But I suppose it's a good opportunity to continue some thoughts about education.

This term, I am taking a sociology class. This class marks the first class outside of engineering that I have taken in over a year.  I've been getting further along in my major and I've been focusing solely on engineering for a while now.

This 'become absorbed in your major' deal is actually part of the program.  You start taking specialized classes (for example, an entire series of classes dedicated to the various manners in which temperatures can change.  I now know more than is comfortable about the subject) and you start thinking and speaking like (in my case) an engineer.

For example, I have replaced all words denoting 'a part of a whole' or 'a contributing piece of something' with the word "component".  I didn't actually take note of this until I was referring to a meal I had made and its various components.  Who even uses ingredients these days?

Figure 1. The sandwich and its components.

I didn't realize just how far down the engineering path I was, though, until I took this sociology class.

I've always been a pretty diverse student, in the sense that I find many topics interesting and do relatively well with them.  This was especially evident during high school, when I had as much opportunity as I wanted to be involved in as much advanced math and science, politics, history, foreign language, literature, and music as I wanted.  So naturally, I took as many classes as possible in all of those subjects, and things were great.  On occasion cross-curricular themes would develop and the whole place was a bit of an educational wonderland for me.

I just figured that things would stay that way.  And I didn't really notice that I had become so focused on engineering that I had begun to let go of some of those other subjects I like.

Part of this happens, of course, because you simply cannot find time to take all of the interesting classes and still graduate with an actual degree before you're 55 years old and under a mountain of student debt.

So thank goodness for generals.  They take a precious few classes from outside your major and make them required so you'll actually be able to take them. :)

I thought I had a decent sociological background such that this new venture would be enriching and fun, and nothing else. So far it has definitely been enriching and generally fun (provided it's not kept me up past midnight) but also surprisingly difficult.

Maybe it's difficult because I underestimated the complexity of the social sciences. Maybe it's difficult because it's an in-depth course on something that I now realize I have no basis for.  I realized for the first time that I should probably read Marx rather than just know about it.  Maybe it's difficult because I am still trying to wrap my brain into this new style of thinking. I can no longer quantify relationships with equations and theorems.... instead the answer to "are farmers influenced by economic motives or lifestyle and family motives?" is "yes."

But there are definitely some things that I love about it, that I just don't get as much in my engineering. There is a lot more discussion and reasoning things out as a class, rather than just running through formulas on a screen.  And in sociology, every case is incredibly unique; you will never evaluate a bunch of situations or outcomes that are the same over and over and over.

I have at times heard criticisms of the current graduation requirements that students take several in-depth general classes in things that are outside of their major or intended career. We live in an increasingly specialized world where the more I know about my chosen field of study, the better I am in it, and I can easily find someone else to do things for me that are outside of my expertise. (That is why we have doctors and accountants and teachers and why services make up a huge part of first-world economies.) Under this logic, it may seem less and less necessary to obtain a general education at the collegiate level.

I do not subscribe to these criticisms or beliefs; in fact, I wish that higher education better encouraged cross-curricular study and general education.  I intend to describe some of the perceived benefits of such an arrangement in later posts. For now, I'm still talking about this strange world of sociology that I've stepped into and how it rocked my little engineering world.

So, in this sociology class we have been focusing on sustainability in agriculture, with especial regard to all of its social elements.  I have read more material than I ever imagined anyone could even publish on trends in farming, political farm issues, use of pesticides, the organic industry, how farms are structured, and so on.  I cannot say that I have learned anything even closely relevant to my intended engineering career. But I still find this an invaluable part of my education.

What I have learned, that I believe will benefit me as a human who intends to live in the world and be an engineer there, is that there is (surprisingly) this whole other world outside of engineering.  Oh sure, I always figured it was there, but sometimes it loses its palpability as you hone in on heat transfer and machine design, and especially as you spend more and more hours in the engineering building, avoiding all social life as you try to churn out homework solutions fast enough.
Well, enough of that. I'm here to embrace a little bit more the social aspects of life that I've begun learning about.

I haven't learned anything helpful about dimensioning and tolerances, but I have begun to see myself as a contributor to a larger society than just the scientific community.  I may not be learning to design tractors, but I am gaining a new understanding and respect for the people who use them. I still don't understand Thevenin circuitry, but I have begun to be aware of patterns in the world that will affect how I act, how my contributions as an engineer might really effect people and their lives, and how those causes and effects are related even to my isolated life as an engineer.

So while this class is certainly not an easy ride and you would think that an engineering student would have enough on their plate already, its something that I think has added value to my education and something that is important to continue to experience throughout education on all levels.

I am learning many important things that engineering just doesn't have a way to teach.

lenten

Well, my fellow inhabitants of the world, today is Ash Wednesday, which also marks the beginning of the season of fasting known as Lent.
What does this mean?  Well, I intend to find out.

I am not a member of the Catholic faith.  I was not raised around many catholics, and so most of what I learned about the catholic church and their beliefs came through the history books. And history books generally don't offer a pleasant view of religion, mostly because the events involving religion that made history too often did so because that religion was being exercised poorly.

That being said, if you are catholic or are well-versed in catholicism, and you see something here that has not been represented correctly, please let me know.  My intent here is to present the good that I see in this religious practice even though it is not of my own religion.

The concept of Lent has fascinated me over the past few days and and such, I did some research.  Lent is generally known as a 40-day period of fasting, prayer, and penitence.  It begins on Ash Wednesday and concludes on Maundy Thursday (the Thursday immediately before Easter).  This period is actually longer than the prescribed 40-day fast and there is some discrepancy on how exactly to count out the days, but the fast represents the 40 days that Jesus Christ spent fasting in the wilderness immediately following His baptism and before appearing on the Mount of Transfiguration.  The bible scholar will note other significant instances involving 40-day or 40-year periods of time.

I believe the purposes of Lent--namely fasting, prayer, and penitence--do not have to be limited to religiously-observant catholics or even christians.  Anyone stands to receive personal improvement by following them.  To put them in a less religious light, they might be called sacrifice, meditation, and self-improvement.  Call it what you may, but I hold that the process and outcomes of observing Lent can be beneficial to anyone.

Fasting generally denotes abstaining from food and water for a period of time (as Christ did in the wilderness) but for mortal people who are not the literal Son of God, a 40-day food fast is not advised.  (Fasting from food involves many personal and health considerations that should be taken into account.) Instead, Lent is generally observed by the act of giving something up or making a sacrifice.  There are many levels of sacrifice to choose from, and popular choices go from giving up sweets and meat to giving up being angry or rude.  The purpose of fasting or sacrifice is to give up something valuable in exchange for something else, which is most often an intangible reward. Frequently, the reward of the sacrifice is found to be more valuable than the original sacrifice made.

The act of fasting or sacrifice is also intended to have a lasting change on the individual.  Many fasts, particularly those from food, end after a period of time and things return to the way they were previously--the person now released from their fast eats and carries on with their lives.  Many religions prescribe regular fasts from food for various amounts of time.  Because participants of the fast return to their normal food-eating routine after the fast, the purpose and effects of such a fast must be something other than physical.  This is where the other elements of Lent--prayer and penitence--come in.  As the body undergoes a more intense period of self-control where the mind and heart deny it of physical sustenance for a time, it opens up opportunities to focus more on the spiritual and mental and less on the physical.

Deeper changes happen as prayer and meditation provide channels for introspection, peace, relaxation, and a deeper connection with a whole (be that god, nature, or humanity) to come into one's life.  These connections influence fasting and sacrifice by giving inspiration and meaning to the fast, as well as a greater willpower and sense of ability to achieve the goals of the fast or to make it through the intended sacrifice. It can also help people become more aware of benefits of their fast or sacrifice that they may not have noticed previously.

Penitence is generally defined as the act of showing sorrow or regret for sins or trespasses, and in the Catholic faith this involves the confession of sins to a priest.  To me, penitence is the first step to becoming a better version of yourself.  Once you have recognized that you've made a mistake or can improve in some way, it logically follows that you should put forth an effort to change that.  One of the greatest parts of this human experience is the fact that we can change ourselves.

In 2015, Pope Francis II gave his address for Lent and proposed that people give up indifference, in turn becoming more aware of and caring for those around them.  This is one of my favorite views of sacrifice, where rather than seeing the process as a denial or limitation, it is seen as an additional focus or improvement that one undertakes.  It is still a sacrifice--of our time, our selfish thoughts, our comfort--but it becomes much more purposeful end enriching.  In addition to the spiritual aspects of fasting, such a sacrifice to improve oneself has a lasting effect on one's way of life. Indeed, 40 days is certainly enough time to build a new habit.

I would like to encourage everyone to make a sacrifice or change in their lives to become closer to what they envision the best version of themselves to be.  During Lent is a great opportunity to do so, but the most important thing is to do it when you're ready, rather than when the world expects you to.  I am observing Lent myself for the first time and, although I have fasted in various ways before, I am excited to see what I learn from the experience.

I will digress from the previous practices regarding the titles of the posts in two ways: first, by using a word that is not Latin, and second, by commenting directly on its meaning.  "Lent" is an abbreviation of the Middle English word "lenten", which was originally used to denote springtime.  I appreciate this because as the weather warms up it is clear to see that springtime is a season of rebirth and fresh starts.  Lenten sacrifice provides us just that.

ineptus

Get ready for a couple of posts all in a row about education.  That's what's on my mind right now because that's pretty much all I do!  When they say "full-time college student" they secretly meant "all-the-time college student". There is no 40-hour deal here.  And no paid overtime.

I've been playing this college game for a while now.  I am on the latter-half of things, now with fewer semesters between me and graduation than the semesters I have behind me.  I've been taking the real-deal classes now (no more prerequisites) and I started feeling like I really know what I'm doing here.  I know how to study and test and do homework and I am far enough into my program that I'm pretty familiar with whatever they will throw at me.

Or so I thought.

Turns out, this semester has been full of surprises.  And not the kinds of surprises I was even expecting. (...That's what makes them surprises.)

I cannot even count the number of times I have used the word "inept" or "ineptitude" to describe my new-found feelings for this term.

See, after thinking that I knew what to expect and I was far enough into things that everything would look like a more specialized extension of what I had studied last semester, I have been humbled exceedingly by the actual content of classes this term.

The first is from a course I am taking as part of my general education.  I like being well-rounded and well-read, so I like the idea of general education.  Narrowing choices down as to which upper-level psychology or philosophy or Spanish class I could take was a difficult choice.  This semester, I ended up in a sociology class, which I figured would be a welcome change from all the calculations and formulas I'm usually dealing with.  I had taken a demographic sociology course before and felt decent that I had retained the most important concepts, so this class couldn't be too surprising, while still allowing me to stretch my limits and expand a little into another subject.

Turns out there is no end to the number of sociological things that I do not know, or even have the slightest idea about.
So I get to read.

This phenomena of ineptitude could be expected when you take a class so unrelated to your chosen field of study.  But it has also started happening in my engineering classes.

Some of the concepts and material we learned as freshmen and then never spoke of again have miraculously resurfaced.  And they are in every single class.  After three or four years. Gaaahhhh.  The sudden realization that I in fact, do need to remember all of my past education is a little bit alarming because my brain has been trying not to be a pack rat and get rid of some of the unused stuff up there.
I really hope we kept it instead of donating it to Goodwill.

I thought I was so good at this.  I have never felt so inept at school before.

But this feeling of ineptitude, unqualification, and belittlement is not inherently a bad thing, albeit uncomfortable.  It's probably one of the biggest learning opportunities I'll have all year.  Not only to learn about the electronics I have forgotten and the ins and outs of sociology, but also to learn about myself and how to do things such as handle stress, read my eyes out, study way too many subjects at once, and hopefully figure out a more specific direction for what I am even planning to do with all of this.

Other aspects of myself that I hope to learn about include:

•  how I can actually make a difference in the world, 
• why specializing in something and knowing way too much about it (for example, the many failure modes of steel) is worthwhile, 
• what my priorities are, 
• what I can an cannot live without, and 
• how to simultaneously kick butt at school while not becoming a homework-doing robot, void of fun or emotion.

Something valuable happens when education belittles you and you realize just how big the world is.  Having your eyes opened to the vastness of how much you really don't know is a beautiful experience in a way.  The funny thing is that as we find more answers, those answers spark new questions.  As the expanse of knowledge we have--both as a collective community of humans, but also as individual minds--continues to grow, somehow the realm of what is beyond our knowledge, and therefore what is possible to be discovered and achieved, expands as well.

severus

I don't really write fanfics, but I thought it the best way to honor Alan Rickman and collect some thoughts.

***

He could feel the venom slowly take control. As his final tears fell, the silhouette of Harry gave way to a light that brightened until everything in sight had been consumed. It was Snape's turn to cross over.

Figures began to materialize out of the edge of the light.  As he looked around, he began to see faces that he knew. He is met by as mixed of a crowd as he kept during life: his parents, proud to see him again. Charity Burbage, whom he still regrets not saving. Dumbledore greeted him warmly, of course.  And death eaters. They had all realized which side he was on by now. Many of them peered sideways at him; the word 'traitor' on their lips. Others must have had a change of heart since dying, and walked up to shake his hand.

He wasn't prepared for any of this.

Severus meandered through the crowded people and memories, still in his lonesome and detached way. It was almost too much to take in. But here he felt a small beam of hope. He began looking.

Far at the back of the crowd, as if waiting for everyone else to finish their greetings, Severus caught a glimpse of dark red hair. He pushed toward it, and was almost caught off-guard when at last he saw Lily. Everything else faded from his view as he quickened his pace toward her.

She offered a smile and he picked her up in an embrace.  She still smelled like he remembered.

Lily giggled nervously and said,  "It's good to see you, too."  Severus stepped back as Lily looked up at James, taking his hand. "I hope it's not too much that we decided to come, Severus."

"Oh, no, Lily, it's delightful to see you," Snape reassured her. "I've been thinking about you, and..."

"Severus," Lily interrupted. "You know that even now we can't go back to how things used to be... I'm sorry."  She looked up at him with soft green eyes.  Some days, she still missed him.

Snape sighed. Deep down, he knew she was right. She had always been his Lily, and there was a part of her that only he knew. But things had changed, and as much as he loved her, he had to let her go.

That didn't stop it from hurting. Seventeen long years, and it had hurt every day.  Seeing her again was just one final heartbreak.

His hair fell into his face as he hung his head.  "Then why did you come?" he mumbled.

Lily turned her head to the side, the way she always had when she was worried. "I'm sorry, Severus.  I wasn't sure if it was even a good idea, but James--"

"It was my idea, Sev." James stepped in.  Snape's stomach dropped further just hearing that voice again. But this time there was something different about his face. It looked somehow softer. It seemed that death had finally wiped the sneer off of James Potter's face.

"I wouldn't let Lily miss it, because I had to see you. I just...I wanted to thank you for taking care of my son."

***